Evan's family was an embarrassment. Most of the time, he thought that he was the only normal person who lived in his house. It wasn't that he didn't love his family. He did. It was just that, well, it seemed like everyone in his family delighted in humiliating him. It was never intentional, certainly. It was just Evan's luck. Unfortunately, Evan had awful luck, and a family of whacky perverts.
Today would be the day, he thought, that nothing weird would happen. He could safely bring Anna, the girl he'd been crushing on for months, home to meet his mother. It would happen on their way to dinner for their first date, but as luck would have it, Evan had forgotten his wallet. Needing to stop at home, just for a moment, to pop in and grab it, he was certain that nothing could go wrong.
"I'll come in with you," Anna said, "just to meet your mom."
"Alright," Evan said with trepidation, "Just let me call ahead and make sure she's not too busy."
Evan phoned ahead. This had to go well. His mother couldn't embarrass him. God and fucking Jesus, just this once, he prayed. He called.
"Hey, mom," he said, "I'm just going to run in and grab my wallet on the way to dinner, but Anna wants to meet you. Is that alright?"
"Of course, honey," Sandy assured him, "I'm just getting dinner ready."
Evan pulled into the driveway and escorted Sandy into the house. Everything had sounded normal. This would not be like the time that he'd brought Linda home for dinner, only to find his mother stuffing a rolling pin into her twat. It would not be like the incident in which his sister, Lua, had been practicing her deep throat skills on a ten-inch plastic cock, in the living room, when Evan had dropped in with his prom-date-to-be. This would go off well.
He opened the door and quickly glanced inside. The house was quiet. From the kitchen, he could hear the sound of water running and a spoon scraping a bowl. Evan took Anna's hand and led her toward the kitchen.
"Mom?" he asked, catching her attention.
Sandy whipped around, mixing bowl in hand, her blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. She wore an apron that said, "Lick my Beater," in red letters. Evan flushed. At least she was wearing clothes.
"Hi, Honey!" Sandy said.
"Mom, this is Anna. She wanted to meet you on our way to dinner. I'm just going to run up and grab my wallet. Can you be nice to her?"
"Of course," Sandy said, setting the bowl aside.
"I'll be right back," he said, his eyes practically begging.
He took the stairs, two at a time, leapfrogging his way up to his room. He barreled down the hall, crashed through the door, snagged the wallet from his desk, then dashed back down. The entire jaunt couldn't have lasted more than twenty seconds. As he hit the bottom of the stairs, though, his heart sank. There were sounds coming from the kitchen, sexy sounds, wet smacking sounds. Jesus fuck! They hadn't been in the house for sixty seconds! How did this happen?
Evan burst into the kitchen to find his date nude from the waist down, her cute ass on the kitchen table, while Evan's mother eagerly sucked at her fuckhole.
"Oh, shit! Holy shit!" Anna cried, her hands gripping Sandy's hair.
"Mom!" Evan cried in distress, "What the hell?"
Anna turned her wild eyes toward him and orgasmed loudly on his mother's face, her tits heaving and breath coming in ragged gasps. Sandy stood up and wiped at her mouth, licked her lips.
"You see? That's the beater," Sandy explained.
"Oh my God!" Anna gasped, "Oh my God!"
"Have fun at your dinner, honey," Sandy said, as though nothing odd had just taken place.
Anna staggered from the table and pulled down her skirt but forgot her panties on the floor. She wobbled past Evan, into the hallway. Evan, his mouth open in shock, turned from his mother. Sandy continued making dinner. Evan ran after his date, who was getting back into the car with a dazed expression on her face. He bolted to the car and tore open his door, getting inside.
"Hey," he babbled, "I'm… oh my God, I'm so sorry! I'm so, so, fucking sorry. My mom… she's… I'm so sorry!"
Anna's body shook, a tremor of sheer delight, like she'd just swallowed the most delicious thing she'd ever tasted.
"Oh my God," she whispered again, and lay her head against the window, giggling.
"Anna? Are you alright?'
"What?" she said, suddenly snapping her head up and looking around, "Oh! Evan. What?"
"Are you alright? I'm so sorry about my mom!"
"Oh, yeah. It's fine. She was… your mom's great. Hey, what do you think if we just stay here for dinner?"
When Evan's lab partner wanted to do their assignment at the library, Evan was happy to agree. Unfortunately, the library was closed that day, due to a plumbing issue.
"Some bunch of sick bastards done shit up every toilet in the place!" Old Jones complained to Evan and Daryl, who had just been denied entry, "Ain't never seen nothing like it, and never want to again. Every toilet in the place! Shit them up good!"
"Can we go to your place?" Evan asked his partner.
"Nah," Daryl said, "My dad's back on the bottle and he'll be an ass, for sure. Your place?"
It was early in the day, so Evan's mother would be at work. His two sisters were unknowns. Lua, also, had her junior classes, but Evan didn't know her schedule. Jenny, in her senior year, was also a mystery.