top of page

Holes Episode 1: A Most Awful Birthday

A Note from the author:

The following is a work of utterly ridiculous fiction.

This is an awful story, filled with awful people. You should not read it. If you do read it, you should not like it. If you like it, well, I'm sorry. There isn't really anything else to say.

***Last Chance***

In the history of unfortunate names, perhaps one of the most unfortunate was Holes. Though her parents insisted it was pronounced “Hawless,” they knew from the start that nobody would actually pronounce it this way. It was intentional. Holes had the additional misfortune to be born to a pair of perverts, and to further add to the ordeal that would become her adult life, these perverts were of the surname Ferbonin. The woeful tale of Holes Ferbonin, though, did not begin with her unconventional naming. It began with an incident in the kitchen of the Most Almighty.

Prologue: My Father Who Art in the Kitchen

The day the Good Lord brought forth His Son into the celestial kitchen, a clumsy mistake would set the stage for the creation of a new life–ultimately, that of a young woman destined to become a plaything for all those around her.

“Just a pinch now, Jesus,” thundered The Lord, “sugar and spice, everything nice for the girl. Good. That’s just enough. Now, a sprinkling of the stardust for the sparkle in the eyes. Yes. Good.”

The iridescent dust fell from His Son’s fingers, adding to the mixture that would form this new life.

“The captured nebulous gasses, next, if you please, Son,” said The Lord.

Jesus reached up to the higher shelf, pleased to have finally been allowed to assist His Father after so many millennia. Unfortunately, his newest pair of celestial sandals were taking some getting used to, and in one clumsy motion, this new life forming before them was forever altered. Jesus' foot slipped, just slightly, causing his robe to brush against the lower bottles of ingredients. Two of the bottles tottered, tipped, and fell, directly into the mixture.

The Lord gasped in horror as the contents in the bottles spilled forth.

“Sweet Jesus, Jesus!” The Lord boomed.

“Apologies, Holy Father!” Jesus said, aghast, “What…what was it? What have I done?”

“My entire bottles of Rape Magnet, as well as Ire of Man. We’ll need to create at least a dozen new nebulas to replace those.” The Holy Father said, shaking his head in dismay, “For any beautiful woman, even one grain of Rape Magnet is more than enough. I used two for Megan Fox, and even that was a bit much. A whole bottle, though…not even in the time of the 12 tribes, at my most sadistic, did I think to use so much.”

“Shall we start over, Father?” His Son asked.

“No, no. I must admit to being curious about the result. It won’t be an easy path for the poor creature, but she shall receive her reward in Heaven. Hand me that bottle of Eternal Lubricant. I think she’s going to need it. And, the Gag Reduction powder, if you please.”

Chapter 1: Cause for Celebration

Holes had been told that when she became an adult, things would be very different. Her parents hadn’t gone into specifics about it, only that there were certain expectations of adults. She’d gone to bed with her stomach in knots, wondering what was going to